It’s 6:00 AM. In 18 hours, it’s going to be my birthday! For weeks, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about this. I used to look forward to celebrating my birthday. I would travel to a new place I’ve never been to before, eat in a fancy restaurant, or dance the night away.
This year, I didn’t feel like doing anything. You see, I’ll be turning 44. What’s so wrong about that? It’s not the gray hair, it’s not the wrinkles, it’s not the yearly mammogram check-up that bothers me.
A few months ago, after 3 recurrent miscarriages, the doctor told me I only have a 2% chance of having a successful pregnancy. I’m trying not to lose hope. However, I’m also aware that the older I get my chances of having a healthy baby is getting impossible. I started to grieve. I felt sad that I may never be able to look at the eyes of my child. I mourn that I will not experience what it’s like to be a mother.
Today, all I can say is I’m tired of grieving! So, here I am making a list of a few things that makes me want to celebrate life.
As I write this, my hubby is still sleeping soundly. He had wiped my tears away. He was so patient and understanding as I go through a rollercoaster of emotions. Despite all the chaos, it’s good to know that he’s there beside me. I feel so lucky to have him in my life!
I was seventeen when my mom died of cancer. My dad played the role of mother and father. He is a pillar of strength. Though he lives a thousand miles away from me now, he is still someone I can always count on. I’m so blessed to have him as my dad.
Last week, I called one of my friends and talked to her about my struggles. She had difficulty having children, and she shared with me how she was able to cope with depression. We’ve been friends for almost 3 decades, and I’m so glad that’s she’s still around to listen and give me some advice.
My best friend in Massachusetts also invited my hubby and me to spend a few days with them. I didn’t make plans for my birthday, and I felt so loved when she told me she’s planning to cook and prepare dinner for my special day
I’ve also received birthday gifts and flowers from my closest friends here in New York. Their thoughtfulness, kind words, and encouragement brought so much joy in my heart.
Life is just so much easier when you’ve got your friends beside you!
It’s almost 44 years… and he has never abandoned me. I have lost my way so many times, but he’s always there to forgive and bring me back on the right path. I may not have everything I wished for. I may not understand the “whys” behind his plans. But, He is my Maker. He molded me. His breath gave me Life. I am forever grateful to my God!
I am currently writing on my desk beside the window. I can see the light that’s starting to illuminate the sky. A new day has begun…
Thank you God for this moment. Thank you for new beginnings. Thank you for the chance to celebrate the Gift of Life!